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Falling Out of Love?

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I think a lot of people are stuck in this predicament, or have thought about it once or twice; can a relationship survive if someone falls out of love? Maybe the worst thing to hear from the person you love is “I am not in love with you anymore”. Am I wrong? It’s an extremely hurtful and troubling experience, but the anxiety those words can spark up can make one’s mind flood with questions like:

"Am I not worthy?”
“Is our relationship over?"
"Can we save this?"

“What do you we do?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
"Do we give up or keep working at it?"



Biological research shows that one reason someone might “fall out of love” isn’t because there is something wrong with you but because of hormone levels dropping. Testosterone, Oxytocin, hormonal levels are always fluctuating depending on certain situations, environments, and even how long you have been married or in a relationship. Hormones usually lower to regular levels after 1-2 years of being together. This tends to flare the feelings we have of falling out of love - and divorces or breakups are the typical outcome.

In the beginning, this rush of hormonal love makes us view our S.O. as nothing short of perfect - perfect beings who will fulfill our every need and desire. Thanks in large part to the society we live in, most people have become addicted to the media-fueled hormonal rush and when that hype ends we in turn start to see the negative characteristics more and more - which typically leads to arguing and fighting. And VIOLA! No longer do you wish to be a unified power couple. Once that rush ends, many result to finding someone new because they don’t know what else to do - friggin’ sad if you ask me.


But believe it or not, you HAVE A CHOICE.


You can take this easy way out and find a new hussy or you can make a commitment to love instead. Keep this in mind though, in every relationship hormonal drops are normal, and conflict is normal. So if the reason you choose to go from newbie to newbie is because you only recognize the faults of the person you are with now, or you’re tired of the fighting, the reality is there's no hiding from these things… There’s no running from reality, from biological functions, or from natural conflict. You either suck it up and handle it or you can go through these same realities with every newbie you find.


I say it’s more gratifying to commit to getting thru the difficult phases with one person. During this phase our minds are repossessing their independence. But again, a normal part of a relationship, it’s important to recognize this phase and be patient with one another during this time if you want to make it work. This is where good communication comes in, in order to support your relationship in making it out of this phase and on to the next stage.


Even when you hate each other, do your best to be loving and not so critical of petty things...


Now more than ever is a good time to grow the friendship side of your relationship and remember that each of you are separate individuals that have separate beliefs, feelings, behaviors and thoughts; so having a will to compromise and accept changes is extremely important. Not always easy, we know, but nothing worth having is easy, right? Most importantly, try to find equally satisfying solutions to your complications and hitches.

Take the risk of being vulnerable, open and very honest about your feelings with your partner. It's even more important to know that resorting to nasty and hurtful schemes such as betraying, lying, playing mind games, cheating or being abusive is a HUGE NO-NO! Do any of these things and you can be assured that your trust will be shot to hell, permanently damaged.


Trust, no matter how hard things become, needs to stay intact if you're going to make it.



Relationships are hard. Once the hormonal rush disappears and it can be hard to believe you are still in love, pause and take a second to recognize what’s real. I know many say “we can’t help who we love” but actually, we can, because real love is a choice we make. And it doesn't really start until the hormone rush is over and real effort is required.  To choose to stick it out and put forth the effort to love simply because you want to be loving, and not because you were feeling the intensity of hormones, is REAL LOVE.


Being loving in the absence of the hormonal hype IS real love.

This choice is what long term, loving relationships are based on. It’s unfortunate that hormones may subside and that fluttery infatuation may wear off, but so long as both of you are putting forth a real effort and you have not tarnished the basic trust between you, you will actually be enlightened to find that infatuation will be replaced with a long lasting respect for one another. You will be graced with level of trust and support the two of you haven’t experienced before, resulting in a deeper intimacy that will not only fulfill you, but sustain you.


Falling out of love isn't necessarily the end unless you want it to be, but you can flip it to turn it into a whole new exciting, challenging and gratifying chapter of your lives together. You just have to be willing to weather the storms together and you can reach ultimate joy and satisfaction with your partner.



Do you think love is a choice? Or not?
Leave a comment...
Yesenia R.
What a sad title!! :( :( - but hey, at least this is REAL.