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Thanks But No Thanks

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Dear Expert,

If you’re like me, you’ve felt the bomb of anxiety hit you very few times in your life. But when I got a froofy invitation to my ex’s wedding in the mail, I almost RSV-pee’d in my pants. A rush of emotions flooded my body and my blood got to pumping. Initially, I felt offended - for obvious reasons. I felt like i had to choose whether I was angry, jealous, or sad. Then I found myself confused as to WHY I would be ANY of the three. We broke up long before I got the invite, we have both had other relationships, and have even remained friends (at a distance) since our breakup. However, I still felt like I opened this letter, and all I could see was a big “screw you”.

All the feelings I once had for him invaded that little spot where my heart used to be. Then I slapped myself, “Snap out of it! This man is getting married, and no, it’s not to you. Don’t feed into it and sacrifice your serenity for it.” Apparently, my brain wasn’t in agreement.

I started contemplating and thought “Should I even go?” I don’t even know who his fiancee is. I don’t even know what she looks like, actually. I decided I would stalk her Facebook for a minute. If I’m cuter than her then maybe i’ll consider going because then I can at least feel like “Hah! you’re marrying someone who has nothing on me!” But if she’s really hot, no, no I can’t. I wouldn’t want everyone of our mutual friends to be secretly comparing his bride and me.

Maybe I should just suck it up and pretend to be happy that he’s standing next to a beautiful white gown that isn’t occupied by me. So, I’m a little bitter; but maybe I’ll meet someone when I’m there. Weddings are GREAT dating pools, and it IS my ex’s wedding, so there should be some male friends of his there that are similar in character. What do you think?


Ex With Regrets

Dear Ex,

This is exactly why they say that ex’s can’t be friends. No offense to you, but what did you think was going to happen? He would stay single forever while you get to move on and find your own happiness? I mean, really, it seems like he is probably just inviting you to be polite - nice guy. I’ve seen this happen so many times - an ex gets married and feels obligated to invite their ex because they have “remained friends”, and unless you two never really liked each other, you actually attending would be sufficiently awkward for everyone included.   

Here’s what you do. You DO NOT uber creep his fiance's Facebook - it will just make you sad. You DO NOT plan on attending to look hotter than his bride and pick up on one of his desperate groomsmen - not a classy move. You DO however politely congratulate the couple, RSVP that you will not be able to attend, and if you want to be ex-girlfriend of the year, you send the newlyweds a small wedding gift to show there are no hard feelings.

This will make you look like the true distant-ex-that-is-totally-just-platonic-and-doesn’t-mind-that-you-got-married-before-me girl that you seem to want to come across as. While at the same time, keep you from torturing yourself by sitting through wedding vows that you could have been saying.  

After you have completed steps 1 through 3, call up your girlfriends and plan a night of excess drinking and tube tops, because after all of that, you deserve some champs.

With Love,

The Wedding Expert

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