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How To Stop A Wedding In 14 Steps

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Not too long ago I told you about my ex that was getting married. At that point, I didn’t know what path I was going to choose. My options were to either let go and watch them get married and live their happily ever after or I could go all Julia Roberts circa '97 and stop the wedding. I made a step by step plan to break up a marriage just to get it out of my system. I decided the best thing for everyone was to leave my ex alone so he could live his fairy tale life. Don’t think I won’t do you guys any favors though. You can have my how to list. You're welcome.



Step 1.

I know that you’ve thought about this for quite some time already, but make sure that this is what you want to do. Don’t do anything purely off of emotion. If after, I’d say a month, you are still digging the idea and you don’t give two shizas about what anyone thinks, then proceed.


Step 2.

Talk it out with a close friend and make sure you’re not going to look super crazy. After all, this is not a movie and everything doesn’t always just work out in the end. You may look like the craziest mother trucker ever. If you’re OK with that, then continue to Step 3.


Step 3.

Now that we’ve taken care of your mental steps, here’s where all the dirty work comes in. You have to get a hold of that invitation. Go to a mutual friend’s house that keeps their invitations on the refrigerator - rookie mistake. In the most James Bond way you can, copy the information into your notes - or if you’re good enough you can snap a quick photo before anyone notices. Now, we have the when and where of the wedding.


Step 4.

Be positive that no one knows your plan. The hardest thing to do is try and stop a wedding that people know you’re trying to stop.


Step 5.

Watch ‘The Graduate’. You gotta study somehow - take notes.


Step 6.

If you’re going to stomp around like Godzilla at someone’s wedding, then you better look good doing it. Quickly go on a diet.


Step 7.

Get yourself a wardrobe and makeup team. You need to be at the top of your game. It’s a  wedding for God’s sake.


Step 8.

Now that you look like a million bucks, go to where they’re having their wedding. Sit in your car until you are sure that it has started. Once, you’re positive they’ve started, quickly run your little tush in there!


Step 9.

Stare at the stupid looking bride and groom and visualize that the bride is on fire. You're doing great.


Step 10.

Wait for the wedding officiant to to stop babbling about love and starts talking about the good stuff - objections!


Step 11.

That's your cue - start screaming from the corner. Object your little heart out!


Step 12.

While you are being carried out by security, make sure you drop your shoe because you’re a princess and he should return that shit to you (don’t be surprised if you actually lose your shoe forever).


Step 13.

Call your best friend, confess to what you did. Laugh about it and go to the nearest bar to black out, so it’s like you never did it because you’ll never remember. If you don’t remember, it didn’t happen.


Step 14.

If you do remember what you’ve done the next day and the groom didn’t thank you… it’s probably time to move. You just made yourself look like a jack hole in front of everyone.

Hopefully, this either helped you get over the fantasy of breaking up a wedding or helped you plan it out. Whichever you decide to do, may the odds be ever in your favor!



Ever felt like you had to stop a wedding? Let us know in the comments!
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