I feel as if I need to have a conversation with you guys about Bridezillas. Bridezillas are such a pandemic that Oxford has added this completely made up word to the dictionary. I’d like to pay a special thanks to all of you crazy bishes getting married for giving this word an actual definition. Especially to my so-called friend, Liz.
Liz is a horse of a different color. She’s the type of human that comes from a pretty wealthy family, goes to church every Sunday, pops prescription pills, tattoos bible verses on her wrists, and chugs bottles of wine every night. As you can tell, she’s a really good Christian. She’s also the type of human that before her boyfriend even proposed to her, she was looking up engagement rings and sending her favorite ones to him (real subtle). Anyhow, she asked our friend Amanda to be her maid of honor. Amanda joyfully agreed, but what Amanda didn’t know is that when she agreed to be her maid of honor, what Liz was really asking for was a slave of epic proportions.
Amanda started getting drunk calls at 3:30am about what a terrible maid of honor she was. She had officially been her maid of horror for not even a total of 3 nights. Liz would always call the next day and “apologize”, but she would continue with “but that’s still how I feel”. That kept going throughout the planning of Liz’s wedding. It was an emotional rollercoaster for all parties involved. I’m just stoked that I wasn’t involved in this ridiculous wedding. Unfortunately for Amanda, she basically planned her whole wedding for our bridezilla of a friend. This loony-toon even got super mad at her father for not wanting to fund her destination wedding in the Bahamas, even though he offered to pay for a honeymoon to the Bahamas. She was not having it. She even un-invited him in an attempt to use her tantrum method of getting her way that worked so well on him when she was a cherubic demon child.
Things escalated quickly from there. She told Amanda that she didn’t want anyone at her wedding that was born out of wedlock. Did I mention that Amanda is the daughter of a teen mom? So, 4 weeks before her wedding she uninvited half of her guests, her husband’s family/guests, and even her maid of honor. Didn’t I tell you that she was a really good Christian?!
Fortunately, this monster bride eventually got what was coming to her. Once her fiance found out that she uninvited, what she referred to as, “the bastard children” all hell broke loose. He didn’t find out what she had done until the wedding rehearsal. Luckily, for God knows why, I had nothing to do that day so I stopped by to visit. Turns out I got myself front row tickets to the best show in town. The only thing that was missing was my sweet, sweet buttery popcorn for the viewing.
This duel started out with him asking “Where in the bible does it say ‘Love thy neighbor, unless they were born out of wedlock, they can go straight to hell with the gays?!”, and ended with things flying through the air, her fresh set of manicured hands being held back by her new maid of honor, and I got to find out about her fiance’s teeny tiny pee pee (in front of his mother). Let me tell you, it was the greatest breakup I’ve ever seen. He called the wedding off, went to their home, threw all of her belongings out on the curb and changed the locks, so that ‘Judas’ got the picture that things were over. What a beautiful happily ever after!
Let that be a lesson to all of you beautiful brides getting married. Being a bridal diva and stomping all over the people that you think love you the most can very well backfire on you. Let’s face it, you can get more with honey than vinegar. Humble yourself so that the people helping you don’t have to. All in all, don’t be a mother trucker. It may be your wedding, but no one actually HAS to be there. So, to all you crazies out there, STOP! You’re making the rest of us look bad.