My husband and I got married about two months ago and he is the love of my life. He’s funny, romantic, respectful, I can go on and on, but in a nutshell he’s my best friend. How it happened; we hit it off at a Burger King one evening after we both had finished working out. After that, we would casually meet up to get coffee or to eat lunch. Then, over a period of time we loosened up and became best friends; our quaint innocent, gatherings turned into some fun, often sloppy, outings.
From walking the mall together to getting shit-faced in a club; he’d walk me home afterwards as we laughed about how we sucked at dancing. He would sleep next to me after those intoxicated nights and make me breakfast in the morning. For the first time ever, a man who’s had the privilege of sleeping next to me did not try to sex me, not one time!
That’s when I realized I felt more for him then just friends. I told him about my feelings and he told me he had felt that way for a long time. So we decided to be together, and we decided to continue with our abstinence because we felt it maintained much more intimacy and respect in our relationship.
Now, was I horny? Hell yes - hornier than a 4 balled tomcat! But we really wanted to take on the challenge of celibacy till we were married.
Now we’re married and I am screwed...literally. The sex is horrible, and I feel so bad even talking about him like this, but it is really bad! I don’t know how to talk to him about it without making him feel inadequate or like he can’t perform. I can’t just sweep this issue under a blanket, though.
We waited until marriage, and I am so proud of us for doing that together, and it really helped the intimacy of our relationship flourish positively, but now that we are not connecting physically, I am concerned. What kind of advice can you give me?
Married and Screwed
Dear Married and Screwed,
Congrats on finding the love of your life! Fortunately for you, you already got through the hardest part. You have found someone that you can spend more than a few hours with, without feeling like you need to set fire to everything around you! That's a hill that so many people can’t get over. So, don’t you worry your little head. The Wedding Expert has answers for you.
This is very common for people that get married and don’t have premarital sex. I, myself believe you should test drive the car before you buy it- but hey, to each their own. Most of the time when you start a relationship, the sex isn’t always the best from the get go. You learn what excites your partner with time and practice.
Look, it’s all about communication. If your husband really is your best friend, then he’ll understand if you talk to him about what you want. If he isn’t ‘going downtown’ enough, tell him! As much as you want him to be able to read your mind, he isn’t ever going to be able to do that. If he’s doing it the complete wrong way and chomping like you were made of Hubba Bubba, instruct him seductively to not do that by saying something like ‘softer’. If he is just really bad at sex, play couple games that have instructions. While you guys are doing the damn thang, tell him if you want it to be faster or slower. You can even suggest a new position. Get a Kama Sutra book and show him the things you like, even better try out new things with him. Things will get better. You guys just need to explore each other a little more and that just takes time.
I am proud of you for waiting until marriage to do the horizontal hula. I wouldn’t be able to do it, but because you’ve developed such a close emotional relationship by abstaining from sex, I don’t think it’s a colossal problem. Tell your man what you want. Better yet, show your man what you want. Don’t be shy - it’s sex, and sex is a beautiful thing. Let’s face it, there ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.
The Wedding Expert