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A PSA To The Grooms Of The World

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Try NOT to anger your wife to the point where she wants to divorce you before you even taste the cake. Throwing back a little bubbly at your own wedding is a given, but drinking enough to not even be able to perform the first dance your wife so obsessively made you prepare for is a big no-no.


It all started with a glass of champagne, which then led to another from the father of the groom, and another from the best man - until finally the groom was so blitzed that he forgot whose wedding he was attending. Picture this, a happy wife roaming around greeting her beloved family members and friends, and a groom with a one-way ticket to Vomitville, stumbling around the room putting on an atrocious Fonzie impression. It was sure to be an interesting reception, and I chose to grab my popcorn, swivel around on my linen covered chair, and focus my attention on the accident waiting to happen.

The lights dimmed and a spotlight grazed the venue as the DJ requested the newlyweds to take the dance floor for their first dance. The groom's father nudged his son toward the stage “it’s time for you and your wife to put on a show, son”. The groom with raised eyebrows, one hand holding a glass and the other flung to his chest, “my wife?” clearly forgot this was HIS wedding. As I anxiously waited to see him tip over, he dizzily made his way toward the platform of horror to meet his companion's hand. She smiled, though behind that wedding-day white smile, I could sense her concern for her clumsy new husband.

They messily began their choreographed performance to Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars. I wiggled closer and closer towards the edge of my seat. My eyes grew wide with anticipation. Then, not even 30 seconds into the song, Old Faithful (aka Mr.Groom) finally blew. I don’t even think he realized what came out of him as he proceeded to twirl and stagger. His wife didn’t notice until she witnessed her man slip on the mess like a banana peel and proceed to land to the floor, taking her down with the ship. Looking like two pigs in the mud, his Armani tuxedo was now a towel mopping up the floor and her custom gown was, well, let’s just say it was no longer a white wedding.      

Of course, every bride and groom want to enjoy their big day, and getting a little buzzed on the bubbly is certainly acceptable. But to avoid disaster, it might be best to save the drunken debauchery for the honeymoon, when you’re not embarrassing your new wife in front of all of her loved ones. 


So just to be clear, when the DJ introduces the newlyweds to take the floor, they don't mean go ahead and mop the floor of your own vomit with with your own tuxedo!

For the groom's sake, hopefully your bride loves you “just the way you are.”

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