By I know, I know already. You have it all worked out. But believe me, sweetheart - you don't. Even if you have done the deed many times before your wedding, understand that sex within a marriage is a whole other cannolli.
You believe you know each other but you don’t. Marriage is the only place you are going to get to know anyone, period. And it will be wonderful, amazing, hideous, disgusting, funny, weird, awkward….but, if you keep communicating, it will never be lonely.
Your wedding night is really the official entry point to the reality of sharing physical, emotional and mental space with this Chosen One - and the Return Receipt is very expensive! Best get dealing with the goods you got. You had enough time to choose the right one. Now you both have to work at making what is unknown known.
You can’t shoehorn the right one into your old life. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Everything has got to change.
1. So that’s the first tip - take it slow!
Have some loose idea of what you are going to do and discuss some rough idea of how the evening will play out. You will probably be starving, a bit drunk or maybe even hungover, sad, nervous, stressed. It doesn’t matter what fantasies you have, how sexy the lingerie is, mama...your best sex will not be the first night, trust me!
2. Become a learner.
I don’t care how long you have known each other, how many sexual partners you have had, you will have to unlearn all of it. It was in fact a total waste of time! Because the only subject you need to specialise in will be pleasing your other half - who is a whole new weird world, especially in marriage. You will have to learn yourself and learn your husband/wife in a whole new way and, like any new skill, it is messy, awkward, damaging to the ego and a bit scary to start with. But - se calma! It does get better.
3. Slam that door on your sexual past.
Nobody cares. It doesn’t matter. Don’t open it up, don’t bring it up, don’t throw it in each other’s faces. Leave it in the old life that is no longer yours. It will only cause problems - big, big problems!
4. Messing up is ok!
Being awkward and vulnerable is part of the whole process of being naked and unashamed, learning to share the not-so-perfect parts of ourselves with another. It is a way to make fun memories.
5. You have to communicate and engage.
Don’t play games. Text him first. Talk to him at least once during the day if he is at work - it doesn’t matter. It’s the connection that does. It doesn’t have to be something deep, just something to show you care or want to share something. It teaches you how each other sees the world. Especially tune in and listen when something doesn’t make sense or jars with you. Listen, listen and listen.
6. Your biggest sexual organ is your mind so let him into it!
Don’t expect him to understand how you feel. You have to tell him directly. Women are not direct, we faff about, use passive aggression, humph and pout and leave men utterly confused. Be straight. At the end of the day, this is a man who crazily has committed to spending a lifetime with a woman he barely knows - even if you were childhood sweethearts or fought in the Afghan war together. Believe me, you do not know each other. So give the guy a break...and some clues. Not too much information all at once. Don’t flood the hard drive.
7. Ouch! It may hurt the first time.
But don’t give up just because you may be using muscles never used before. Or you are not satisfied. Or you don’t have the orgasm everyone raves about. Treat it like any new exercise: be gentle, start slowly, gently, carefully. Make mistakes but keep it up. The more regular, the easier it will become. The wedding night is not the pinnacle but the starting point so don’t swap real joy and fun for perfect.
8. Real intimacy in marriage is all about connecting in all areas.
Great sex does not just come from physical prowess. It is a culmination, like all good recipes, of lots of fine, homegrown ingredients, perfectly blended and adapted to suit the tastes. Look after your mental connection, the things you read and share, the emotional connection...being bothered about his team losing even if you don’t understand the rules! Do a sport or activity together or ask about their interests.
9. Don’t have high expectations of your wedding night.
Do not expect the wow immediately. It will come, oh yes, mama, it will come but probably not tonight. Just have the hope and be real - or at least nice - with each other.
10. Take some initiative.
Don’t expect him to leap into deflowering you. He is likely to be far more nervous than you. It has been a day full of expectations and demands. For once, you take the lead maybe…
So relax and let’s start your journey into the best sex of your life….even if it will take a bit of time to get there!